Sleepless night #3656

Oh pain wont you go away! Just how strong can you come again?

Lifetime is how long you’re gonna make your way.

In the dark and silence rises all the demons in my head,

Always making sure that the tears are shed.

For some it’s a twig to be lifted but for me it’s the largest of logs,

But lifting shall be done, no matter what, may be with some lags.

There is chaos in everyone, the house has some of the loudest and some very known troubles,

Just that I feel I hold all of that in double the measure.

Worst is when all of it is locked in to one, silenced to endure,

As the one who knows it all is None.

Oh pain wont you go away! Just how long will you haunt?

But then again, rises not just demons but also an unflinching Will and Love.

And in that battle, I hope there is guidance, peace and Life!

Wisdom of sorts!

It’s 4 in the morning, just another day where thoughts over powered the sleep and I’m up. I really like the silence in the morning hours, it’s calms me down, makes me think and kind of ponder upon things that gets lost in the rush of the day. So I’ve been seeing and reading a lot of ‘what would I tell my 20 year old self’ stuff a lot, almost like it’s a message for me to tell my younger self (18-20ish) what to do, be prepared for etc. In short this the now-me talking to the 20yr old-me.

12. There will be many new people and new relationships in your life. They will become more important than the older ones.

11. You will make better friends and in fact the best ones are yet to come! Some of them may not be of your age group at all and some from the family, but you know you can be yourself with them and that is friendship all about.

10.   Don’t even think about quitting this job now, I know it’s harsh, making you go mental. But believe me, you need it so much. The journey or the places you go, may not always be fun or to your liking, but it will become your identity! Just hold on, you’re going to be Ok.

9. You will change homes, I know you don’t like it a bit but be prepared you’re not going to love all of them. But each house will teach you something and will make you do something rebellious for your own good. Also you will live in a building you always fancied, the place will be good, but not the people and you won’t have the time and energy to do all those things you thought you will do there. So don’t wait for the right place to do a certain thing just start about NOW!

8.    This little fellow you got home is going to give you so many beautiful and fun memories. His first love will be mom and not you silly. He’ll grow old and sick and one day you will have to sign up saying that he’s not fit to live anymore. You will never know if that’s right or not but believe that he’s in a happier place. You just don’t stop watching the rain with him in the night; it will become your fondest memory of him.

7. He and you will share a totally different bond in the future. You two will discuss maids and chores as well. He will not be like how he is today and the same will be the case with her. They will grow much older, older than they are now, but their love becomes more evident. You will have some heart-warming moments with them. Spend time with them; that’s all the childhood you’ll ever get to hear about yourself!

6.       This irritating person you just fought with, is going to be your bestest friend ever. You will be so so glad that you’re there for each other; the best gift your parents ever gave you is him! Yes you’ve got to believe it, not kidding! In the middle of all the chaos, you’ll often find him to be your oasis.

5.       Your love will only grow for this Man, you’ll go on to become his mother and a friend apart from being his daughter. You will see him win and lose and will continue to learn from him through all of it. And you will have to see him all alone sleeping in his room or doing things by himself alone – it will make your heart cringe and you might feel like it’ll tear you apart, but just be with him, talk to him, wish him well and tell him that you love him at every opportunity, go out more often as family, as one day you’ll have only him as a father & a mother.

4.       You just said yes to the most amazing person! He’s going to make you cry, laugh, get all teary eyed, listen to your non-stop ramblings, keep you sane and wise, gives you the best advice and as much as you hate to admit – the guy’s almost always right. Most importantly he will make you feel better about yourself, than you do so yourself. You will often find searching for him in the crowds and when you find him, you will know home is where he is!

3.       There will be a baby, much much sooner than you’ve planned. She will be the best thing that will ever happen to you, you will not be ready for her at all in the beginning, but she’ll be the one who will hold you together. She will give you a purpose to stay alive. She will keep you so busy that you will miss all this freedom and doing nothing phases.  Your life revolves around her and through her you will find the greatest love & joy of your life – her!

2.       You’ll experience pain you’ve never even imagined before and through all that your only solace will be that, you were there with her, not just in the last of the days but throughout her journey! Good you said no, that’s Ok, you are where you’re supposed to be. Tell her now that you love her, she might not even understand or reply back after few years. Feel the warmth every time she hugs you, as it doesn’t seem so real in dreams. Cook for her, take her out a lot, just don’t free your hand when she’s holding it tight, don’t shout at her, sleep beside her, talk to her a lot, tell her that you actually love her more than you show, tell her that she is the best, enjoy what’s she’s cooked for you, take a lot of pictures, just hold her hand and hold it for a long long time. Cherish every second with her, when she’s this fun and crazy. Make her laugh a lot, make her feel special and loved. Learn from her everything you want to, she’ll teach you much more anyways. Just take in everything about her, write about her. Listen to her when she’s talking about her mother, and understand her perspective, her pain. Just live with her like it’s your last day on earth. You will lose her too soon and you or your life will never be the same again.

1.       Remember life is about change. As much as you hate it, you will have to accept it and you will find yourself saying that – ‘Change is the only constant’. You will go through a lot, probably more than you’ve ever imagined, but the endurance will teach you so much. You will often find yourself in a cloud of thoughts that will make you wake up from your sleep and write about it, but just remember anything that doesn’t kill you, will only make you strong. You might as well, take a stronger step towards your future, a stronger place for all the people who matter in your heart, a stronger way to say No – when you can’t take it, a stronger will to chase your dreams, a stronger mind to bring up a strong little girl and a stronger Chai to begin another day!

Memory!

For ages I have been a collector. Collector of all sorts of memoirs – my school notes, my favourite kid’s scribbling pad, the pencil from my dad first foreign trip, my brother’s school id card etc. I call it the memory box. It’s sustained bad management crisis at home but remained intact till date. I always thought memory is such a good feeling. Smelling and feeling these old things, the nostalgia, I loved it so much. Little did I know that the back bone of my life, the only source of comfort I ever have will become a memory and I will come crashing down.

‘I can never ever feel your warmth again. I can never see that smile you have when you look at me. I love your smell; your clothes still carry them. I sleep with them daily. I then miss you more. I see your picture, it’s so real, I can almost tell why you smiled and what you said and in what tone and your voice, it’s still ringing in my head - now that is a memory which can never ever be recreated. I feel if this is all true, did it really happen to me. Did it really happen to the most happiest person I know. Was it really you, who slept there without moving? Why were you cold and hard? But you were so smooth like you always are. Did you see me? Why didn’t you get up then? When did life become this horrible. You know what, I really wish I knew that was my last kiss, I would have also given a hug, may be cut your nails and may be for the nth time tell you that I love you the most. Though I have been a stupid selfish teenager or on days when I chose sleep over spending time with you, I loved you. I really wish I was nicer to you. On all those days I wasn’t with you, I wish I was with you.  I wish I had just 5 minutes for good byes, or may be a minute to say that there will never be a day without you in my thoughts, that I love you more than anything in my life, that I am sorry if I was mean or rude or selfish on some days, that I shouldn’t have taken you for granted, too late huh? Everything I see reminds me of you. It’s like before you and after you. This dress, you saw me wearing it? You would have loved it.
People I meet for the 1^st time, I think - Do they have parents, a mom? Lucky them. I smile at some silly joke at work and then I cry, how can I even smile when I am facing the biggest misery I have ever encountered in my life, my most biggest fear has come true. Am I that insensitive? Am I even human?  I get lost. I am lost. Without you, I am forever lost.  This isn’t true. May be this is just a dream, I want to kill myself to wake up from this. It’s like a knife is stuck in my heart and I’m bleeding all day. Unbearable. I want to hold you, right now, you’re my mom I can but maybe I just cannot. I can never do that. I took you for granted, imagined you’ll lie there and I can act busy and get a glimpse and a kiss from you, but you’ve become too busy, way too busy. So busy that you don’t show up. It’s so empty, your room, the house, us, me. And it will always be. I should have known that 30 years is all I have with you. I would have prepared myself; maybe I would’ve never married or have kids. Nature is mean. God is mean. God, now who is he? The only god I know now is you. When did you get this far? I want you now, when tears just don’t stop. Will there ever come a day where I can smile with my heart, like really smile without crying? Silly you, you shouldn’t have been so nice to me, it would’ve been easier. But you were the best, you supported me even when I’m wrong, who’s going to do that now? You said I was the best, the day I thought I am nothing, who’s going to say that now? I was your number 1, I can never ever be someone’s 1, I know that. That throne I own is gone. It’s gone; I have to live with the fact that it’s never going to come back. There will never be another you.  That’s not fair. I have been good all my life. I don’t deserve this punishment. A simple luxury of having a mother, did I say simple, the luxury above all the riches in this world, of having a mother has come to an end for me. I wonder how the sun rises  everyday like nothing happened, how my phone keeps ringing like everything’s OK, how do I even feel hungry when all I want to do is sleep and never get up, this isn’t fair. Nothing has changed, yet everything has changed. It’s a horrible feeling. Well I am forever, a loser without you. I lost. I quit.

You, I hope you are watching over this stupid girl of yours, who is now officially (and clinically) mental. Take all the love I’ve had in store for you for years, but be happy and I am so mad at you. So mad for leaving me like this, a lost, lonely puppy swimming in the ocean with no land to hold on, just swimming till I can, till one day I sleep and wake up to see you.

I love you Amma, part of me turned in to ashes while I was alive.

Miss you so much, you are my best memory until I meet you, can’t wait.

 

Jinx Overdose!

What’s your latest addiction? Last weekend mine was to constantly check if my cook cum rakhibrother is online on whatsapp and if my messages were delivered to him. I over did it to a point that I actually felt my heart racing out of fear. I had panic attacks multiple times. Without him our house is sort of immobile. Just when I was about to give up calling him and mentally prepared myself to let it go (at least I thought so), I called him for the 369573567^th time. It rang. I was overwhelmed. It was ringing and ringing but no response, I felt terrible that I’m being ignored by him and he might not return back. When I was about to hang up, he picked. He said ‘Hello’. I had tears in my eyes. Yes I wanted to hug him and cry and tell him that he’s too important. I can see myself begging him. I asked him to take care and hung up with no clarity about him returning back but at least he’s available and there’s still chance and hope. It is then I realized – ‘Ah life! You have evolved. For a person who hardly says sorry to someone to someone who can beg a cook (that’s just his role, but he’s more than that)’. Such epiphany!

‘A' says ‘Nature teaches us what we came here to learn’. But why am I being taught only Patience and resistance towards pain? It’s the same lesson dammit and I got it. Why am I being taught the same lesson again and again in ways unimaginable? When does this even end? Why isn’t nature teaching me keyboard or being happy? My hope for spending one long weekend peacefully lasted less than the time an air bubble would last. I actually missed office work. How sick can it get? This sure is some Jinx.

The Jinx works like this –

1.       Long weekend ahead, sends the helpers away.

2.       Plan a trip to somewhere, work totally escalated.

3.       Day has been good, shows ‘Maria’ (most annoying person I have ever encountered) 

4.       No Maria show, Day is Ok – Work escalation.

5.       Work relaxed, no Maria show, daughter brings the house down with craziness.

6.       Daughter calm, everything Ok – PMS ->Every body/thing sucks!

7.       Too much hunger, Biryani craving – ends with curd rice (mostly because of exhaustion)

8.       Festival, yayyy bring some light in to the house – Cook asks for a leave.

9.       Another festival, yippie – Maid asks for a leave

10.   Finally another long weekend – Mall and dinner time (feeling lucky) – Cook applies for an emergency leave for unknown duration.

I hope the trend is clear here – ‘NO PEACE OF MIND!’. I understand why I again want to go toViapassana despite of all the reptilian creatures and their encounters there. But still this time there’s something, something that can really cheer me up, something that can make me do a ballet right now in my office, something that gives me a feeling so so pleasant that I can feel like a feather and will probably motivate me to dress and eat better, something that can make me croon ‘Bolo Tararara, BoloTararara..oooooooo’ and that is – ‘To have my cook brother back home’!

Yes! This is the new Me! Highly dependent and Jinx overdosed – Totally hating it!

Giving Comfort!

Me and A picked up a fight early in the morning. We were not even out of the bed. He wants to take a break; he needed help in choosing between Goa and Thailand. ‘Course I can’t go as I have to go and replace the cook at my mom’s place. I have been the official backup for the cook and the nurse-maid for a couple of years now. And they take leaves 300 days a year. Every time they call me and ask me if I had dinner, how is my daughter (basically all the sweet talk) I know they want leave. The worst part is I can’t do anything about it. Even if I’m in the middle of Heart attack, they’ll pack their bags and just go. Such is the world.

I hate the fact that I cannot afford to spend one day just one day on myself – like painting, making my signature yippee noodles, arranging the house for the festivals, afternoon nap, uninterrupted online shopping. I do most of these things even now, but I have to wait for the right time and when the time is right I mostly fall on the bed out of exhaustion. I think I am being stupid in waiting for this imaginary break. These days it’s getting clearer and clearer. This endless work doesn’t stop. I mean someone has to change the sheets, do the laundry, cook and make a home! And if that someone is a Capricorn, then it’s him/her. Like my mom and myself. I often think of the comfort mothers provide; serving hot food on the sofa when you’re watching friends, to making sure that clothes are all smelling good and neatly ironed, to applying hot oil on your hair, to discuss about everything under the sun, to go out for shopping and never pay (mom pays of course) and most importantly to understand us even before we understand ourselves. I don’t think I can ever get that comfort back. Moreover I have to be my daughter’s constant companion for everything even in those days when I’m a total mess, can’t move my little finger, had a shitty day at work etc., I have to be a mother and THAT is the most fabulous and exhausting job in the world.

After much contemplation I made up my mind – that I will give 100% to whatever role I commit myself to, be it mother, daughter, sister, wife, granddaughter, friend and employee/employer. I will give! And if one random day I am alone in the room with a couple of hours on hand I will do what please me. After all, there’s so much joy in giving!

And to all those who have the comfort and the single most luxury in the world – parents by their side, Rejoice! Give them your time, your services, give them gifts & love and let them know that you love them so much. Don’t wait for birthdays or anniversaries. Do it every time you feel the love and enjoy the fact that the nature has been so kind to give us such magical creations called PARENTS!

Random Musings

1. I miss the vacation times with my family, me, avnsh, mom and dad. Least bothered about booking the hotels or the price of the meals (no adult decisions basically). Only Fun and the experience. Yesterday I missed those days so much that I messaged by my dad about our vacations – ‘Wish we could re-live those moments again’. I don’t know if we still can, highly unlikely and can never be the same. But they remain some of the fondest memories I have.

1. Thinking of vacation I remember some of the funniest moments with mom of course and then Avnsh. We fought for the window seat, we fought over the same side of the bed, we fought over food, and we fought over everything that had a choice. But those fights now bring a huge grin on my face.
2. Again of vacations, it’s been years we took a proper vacation. Wait it’s actually 4 years. Except some of my boring 1 or 2 days of client visits I have been vacation-less for years and that hurts me like hell. When did life become this bad!
3. It’s a long weekend, A is excited as per usual and suggested we go to some resort on the outskirts of the city. I gave the ultimatum – ‘Nothing in and around the city’, thus dampening his spirits as per usual.
4. I am thinking of ways to spend my time on Saturday – 1. Go home to see mom, dad, Avnsh and TV. 2.  Clean fridge & do laundry. 3. Cook and take a blissful afternoon nap. Still confused!
5. My mom forgot my name yesterday. The cook at home has been trying his best to make her remember for quite a while and then decided to call me. I said ‘Hello’. Mom says ‘Hello Amuktha, I forgot your name. What is your name?’.  I begin to think how many people will even experience this kind of situation. I wish it could be none.
6. Today is one such day, where you get out of the bed and it feels like a holiday. I got up at 5AM after struggling to sleep again, got up to cook, made an elaborate breakfast and had it patiently. Made some ginger tea, finished it reading the news. Made lunch. Suddenly the sun is too bright and I decided to see the time. 9.15AM!!! Ayra isn’t up, we wake her up (15min), we brush her teeth (20min), we give her bath (20min),  make her breakfast (10min),  feed her the breakfast (20min), boil her bottle, fill fresh water (10min), pack her bag (5min).  Guessed it right she reached school at 10.30AM (it starts at 9AM).  ‘A’ had to face a lot of wrath right from the security guard to the vice principal. We reached work at 11.45AM. And not a single important mail wish we had taken off!
7. Food!!! – I’m craving for pani puri, Fried rice from ‘Aromas of china’, Dosa, Desi Chinese from Good lands, street food in the rain.
8. Movie (minus the Censor movies, for the obvious reasons)– I have not seen a single movie for thr past 5 months. I think the last movie I saw in theatre was Jungle Book 1^st half (I had to baby sit my daughter during the 2^ndhalf).
9. Sleep – I want to read a nice book for a long time and sleep and wake up and read again and eat and read again and sleep and TV for some time (with a book in hand) and read and read and sleep. This is exactly how I used to spend my holidays during engineering and the last 3 months of my pregnancy.
10. Oh btw Welcome PMS!!!! You are always just round the corner!

Random Musings

1. I miss the vacation times with my family, me, avnsh, mom and dad. Least bothered about booking the hotels or the price of the meals (no adult decision basically). Only Fun and the experience. Yesterday I missed those days so much that I messaged by my dad about our vacations – ‘Wish we could re-live those moments again’. I don’t know if we still can, highly unlikely and can never be the same. But they remain some of the fondest memories I have.

1. Thinking of vacation I remember some of the funniest moments were with mom of course and then Avnsh. We fought for a window seat, we fought over the same side of the bed, we fought over food, and we fought over everything with a choice. But those fights now bring a huge grin on my face.
2. Again of vacations, it’s been years we took a proper vacation. Wait it’s actually 4 years. Except some of my boring 1 or 2 days of client visits I have been vacation-less for years and that hurts me like hell. When did life become this bad!
3. It’s a long weekend, A is excited as per usual and suggested we go to some resort on the outskirts of the city. I gave the ultimatum – ‘Nothing in and around the city’, thus dampening his spirits as per usual.
4. I am thinking of ways to spend my time on Saturday – 1. Go home to see mom, dad, Avnsh and TV. 2.  Clean fridge & do laundry. 3. Cook and take a blissful afternoon nap. Still confused!
5. My mom forgot my name yesterday. The cook at home has been trying his best for quite a while and decided to call me. I said ‘Hello’. Mom says ‘Hello Amuktha, I forgot your name. What is your name?’.  I begin to think how many people will even experience this kind of situation. I wish it could be none.
6. Today is one such where you get out of the bed and feel like a holiday. I got up at 5AM after struggling to sleep again, got up to cook, made an elaborate breakfast and had it patiently. Made some ginger tea, finished it reading the news. Made lunch. Suddenly the sun is too bright and I decided to see the time. 9.15AM!!! Ayra isn’t up, we wake her up (15min), we brush her teeth (20min), we give her bath (20min),  make her breakfast (10min),  feed her the breakfast (20min), boil her bottle, fill fresh water (10min), pack her bag (5min).  Guessed it right she reached school at 10.30AM (it starts at 9AM).  ‘A’ had to face a lot of wrath right from the security guard to the vice principal. We reached work at 11.45AM. And not a single important mail wish we had taken off!
7. Food!!! – I’m craving for pani puri, Freid rice from ‘Aromas of china’, Dosa, Desi Chinese from Good lands, street food in the rain.
8. Movie (minus the Censor movies, for the obvious reasons)– I have not seen a single movie from 5 months. I think the last movie I saw in theatre was Jungle Book (1^st half, I had to baby sit my daughter during the 2^ndhalf).
9. Sleep – I want to read a nice book for a long time and sleep and wake up and read again and eat and read again and sleep and TV for some time (with a book in hand) and read and read and sleep. This is exactly how I used to spend my holidays during engineering and the last 3 months of my pregnancy.
10. Oh btw Welcome PMS!!!! You are always just round the corner!